Mea Culpa
by Ardina
Summary: A collection of aspiring and simple poems from yours truely. Fear, love and bitter memoirs.
1. Out, Out

Cold and damp to the touch.

The heartbeat pounds in your ears.

The feeling of inevitability rises.

But inevitability of what?

_Up, down, left or right,_

Perhaps the wall behind

Every pore of your skin screams

But the unearthly stillness silences you.

_Saturated in fear,_

Scarlet,

Crescent marks deep in the palm of your hand.

The feeling is irrelevant

You are afraid.

The blood rushes around the body with chaotic rhythm

It is the time to move

To run.

Run where?

Into the snare?

You feel more than afraid

And worst of all he knows it.


	2. The Devil's Affluence

**Low and behold fanfic annoys me...I JUST want to have gaps between stanzas...is it soo much to ask that the graphology of this piece can be seen to?**

**Calm...calm...**

**I'm not much of a poet...I don't claim to be Robert Frost so keep your mean comments to yourself. However, I am an aspiring artisan with feelings to try and potray, so it would be nice for your kind thoughts on my latest poem.**

**Who is it aimed at? Well my dear, it is in the V.H section(whoa, that sounds sarcastic...), however, a number of things can be related to it. The ambiguity is deliberate(yes and the clever sods will point out that the "Devil" hints at Drac and an OC...fine, well done...)...but ambiguity makes it accessable to all and sundry. Thats what I love about the great poets. Their work can RELATE to almost anybody. It's about what you see and what YOU take from their simple, yet poignant words...Oh enough of the English lesson...I'll shut it...**

**P.S: It's designed for a slow read people **

* * *

**The Devil's Affluence**

I remember the winter by the sea,

That winter will last forever across the trails of time.

When you and I could simply be,

Far from the now which is nothing but a tragic mime.

You remember the promise of eternity,

That fated kiss will call to me still,

even now after forever.

Like the melting flakes of powder,

That blessed winter washed into the heat of summer.

Rather the summer of heated hate.

Ironic that the summer would coat your tones in bitter frost,

That the warmth would chill your heart.

Our love became a ghastly ghost,

Torn, whipped; how the Devil knew his art.

What the Devil conspired,

It was mercilessly filled with gluttonous pride.

A mortal wound is nothing compared to the devices he hired.

Those words that pierced my soul,

The look after the act.

How they took their own toll,

And you with your pact.

As we stand here again,

Amidst the flames of a desolate city of dreams.

Do you feel the pain,

Those lacerating whips of lashing reams.

The thrill of a first kiss,

What could have equalled the bliss?


	3. Annotations of Nature

**Yellow y'all...lol. I'm dead. Oh, you may not believe me, but knock tomorrow and find me grave indeed (College you see dears..."painful" is all I can say). On to the lastest of this collection of mine: Now rhyme scheme was not particularly important to me. I am well aware some writers "freak" over it sounding nice. Tough...meaning is more important! That brings us to "what the 'eck is she nattering on about?". Perhaps it shall help if I tell you what inspired the little tale. Based on the ideals of a relationship. A first relationship. The things expected. The disappointments. The insecurities...The little moments that make all the tears worthwhile...  
**

**Annotations of Nature**

There in those woods,

We stood as perfect strangers.

Perfect strangers from perfect worlds apart.

A carpet of rusting leaves.

Hidden from a jealous sun by a sea of amber.

A caress of the autumn wind.

Every breath drawn deeper,

Every dream now the sweeter.

Beams of sparkling sunlight,

They fell from between the boughs.

Our gazes only for one true light.

Despite the words I would never hear,

Those words of trust and care.

In all the glory of autumn that began to choke,

I had the vision of a bleak broken break.

Could I hold forever?

Or would I become the ivy,

The clawing vyne grasping for the light.

How much do you know?

What can compare to that feeling of doubt,

Doubt, since I am the lost child now.

But those words never reach me,

Even if they did, I would scream _Liar_.

So hurt I have been,

So much love yet to be seen.


	4. Buried

**Now I warn you now before you read this latest installment. It's dark, but I think it is rather HARSH to call to it "Emo" (I'm not not sure what that is, but you are NOT allowed to call it that!). Now have you ever read Robert Frost's work "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"? Well, if you havn't you should, but here's my summary: There are soo many pictures and images to be found in such simple piece. 'Tis brilliant. Anyway, the persona is alone in a cold winter forest with nothing, but his thoughts and horse for company. Something is playing on his mind and he contemplates giving up the struggle in favour of just falling asleep in the snowy woods (I hope you all realise that he's contemplating suicide here...). This got me thinking of characters and real people faced with heartache and misery. Could such pain justify "falling asleep" in the cold? So here it is, the product of such thinking and perhaps a bit of my own much neeeded "therapy".**

**Buried**

Do I ask so much?

The chatter of my teeth,

That sound of predicted crunch.

I don't even seethe.

A wind whips past me,

Her icy tendrils wrap round me.

So tight Her grasp,

I shiver at the embrace.

On a painful gasp,

(That has little to do with Her touch)

My heart feels the ice case.

What a pretty picture.

That clear ice filled with tainted blood,

Blood of mine.

My mind now a disenchanted wood,

Strangled by the aspiring vine.

Night approaches soon.

Her winter kiss deadly,

I know this. But I stand.

My shivers now echo in the hollows,

Harrowing sorrow could not compare.

These are my own gallows,

Gallows of despair.

I cry alone.

An expression of pain,

A tale of woe.

Stinging tracks travel down yet again.

I love you so.

A glacial rain arrives.

Her talent chills me,

But your flippancy kills me.

The icy torrent drenches,

It does nothing to cleanse a weeping wound.

Love is certainly a cause for trenches,

Included is the pre-empted funeral mound.

Winter holds me in her savage jaws.

I cannot move,

The strength is lacked to let go.

I held dreams. It is more than the slight of a glove.

You made me love you so.

My tortured limbs finally feel the cold.

The lashing of the pelting rain,

Reminders of advice showered over me.

Good intentions cause perpetual pain.

Finally, the cold shows me Mercy.

No longer will I feel the doubt,

No longer the aching need _just _to be held.

Finally, Mercy after all the cruel mockery.

I waited all this time for you,

I waited all this time for a dream.


	5. No

**Evening,**

**I'm back with another piece that's really rather important to me, well, actually more significant than anything else. It's written soley with me and my own selfish emotions in mind and just looks nice added to my "collection". Based upon the usual heartbreak and misery; when loves turns to dust and the fight is over, but the scars last forever. The deep depression continually attempts to drag you beneath the dark waves. **

**The conflicting feelings that consume me whenever I see the love that was no good for me, but forever the one I want and need.**

_**"No, you don't mean nothing at all to me. No, you don't have what it takes to set me free."**_

Come and take me that extra mile,

Push and never look back.

Come and show me the world isn't vile,

Push and never take your love back.

-

Lithium to play on my senses,

Valium to staunch the bleeding.

I would do it all for another of your kisses,

Even if they tell me I am uneeding.

-

Give and pull me back from that angered abyss,

Pull and never let go.

Give and I will forgive all on a single kiss,

Pull and never tell me no.

-

Galium to silence my demons,

Myrr to accompany my silent departure.

I answered all your summons,

And experienced little of the rapture.

-

Remember and sigh at the thought of me,

Reason and fail.

Remember and regret at the thought of me,

Reason and wail.

-

Lanthanum for the obscurity of your vision,

Iridium for your unseen actions.

Your freedom is an illusion of mine,

Even you know my memory chains part of you.

-

Regret and think of what conspired,

Kiss and tell me.

Regret and taste the bitterness left behind.

Kiss and tell me.

-

Lead for the weight of your heart,

Mercury for the blood in your shallow veins.

You would never find another like me,

Even if you told me I am nothing.

-

Try and take solace in the others,

Blame and hate me.

Try and show the love you denied another,

Blame me and matyr yourself.


	6. Good Things

**It's actualy about 1am in the morning right now. I'm soo tired on this fine night, but this idea popped into my head. I don't know, am I the only one out there who constantly has thoughts going through their head before they desperately try and go to sleep? So this piece must be a type of genre, I have no idea what type, but it must called something. It's all about getting across the thinking persona without the fancy language and rhyme schemes...**

**_Good Things_**

_Why do all good things come to an end?_

I was sitting and watching the night fly by when I thought about all the wonders there were to experience. I was thinking what a wonderful thing it was to be human as that star fell from the sky. The way it created a heavenly arc and fell down in flaming glory. Maybe that is how we shall all live our lives. In flaming glory.

_Why do all good things come to an end?_

I tried so hard, sitting on that wooden bench, to think of another way. I argued that life was for the optimist and not the pessimist. The sky was once more the colour of pitch and I was left alone without a light. My hope had also been snuffed out in a similar fashion not so long ago.

_Why do all good things come to an end?_

The door slammed behind me when I reached the place known as home. The music played in my ears and I felt a sense of peace all of a sudden. I hate it when the blackness tries to drag us down with its filthy claws embedded in fresh flesh. I have been wallowing with the blackness for far too long now.

_Why do all good things come to an end?_

The same question still plagued my mind no matter what resolutions I made. Why did they? At first I always thought that I had been the poor lover; the one always demanding. Perhaps I was the friend who expected too much?

_Why do all good things come to an end?_

I took no notice of my pet as he seeked my attention. I automatically went along with the domestic tasks. I remember the next reasoning in my head had always been that I had been the victim. That my lover had used me and the friend had abused me.

_Why do all good things come to an end?_

I sat on my bed with the moon and stars covering my quilt. I can never deny the saying, "You don't know what you got till it's gone", but you'll always feel it when it does leave you; trust in me. Now I dream everynow and then that he'll come back to me and she'll say sorry to me. I think it's what the shrink called denile.

_Why do all good things come to an end?_

The feelings, we as humans, are blessed with can be a trial. I never understood this cold land of milk and honey. I live for each breathing moment as if it is my last; they all live for the planned future. Control and calm is something I find hard to aqquire.

_Why do all good things come to an end?_

The stars I admire also end and begin I guess, there only difference is how long they take to expire. Spheres of fire; maybe they are as passionate as I. Surrounded by the cold that constrasts so sharply with their nature. Things end and there is no denying it. Those "things" break hearts. Life is just a learning curve.

_All good things come to an end._


	7. The Flag

**I'm on holiday and I'm still stuck on a computer. Hmmm...sad. Anyway, I like to write and I'm constantly justifying updating stuff in the V.H section when frankly, relevence is slim...very slim, but obviously you can't say that to me. That's just plain bad manners. The following is civil strife and the nostalgia looking back with cynical commentary. It's real so don't be flippant. The colours are from the Zimbabwean flag.**

**The Flag**

The red was for the father's blood,

The pain and struggle of years before.

With more venom than a Cobra with hood,

It constrained the colonial oppressor.

-

The yellow was for the gold,

The riches and wealth.

Then, the people were warm and not cold,

Now they forget and scavenge like wild dogs.

-

The green was for the harvest,

The bread basket of Africa.

Like a mother she provided the best,

Now, she is barren and hollow with her children amiss.

-

The black _and_ the white were for the people,

That they forgot.

At the end we shall all be blind,

(Afterall, it is an eye for an eye)

Only then, then I can embrace you as brother.

-

The bird that spread its wings,

The lost guardian.

Clipped and broken then abandoned,

For reasons I can not understand.

-

Now we are all scatterlings of Africa,

Exiled all over the world.

With my heart and sole left beneath the Boabab,

Only stories and memories to keep me amongst the living.


	8. Empire of the Mind

**Empire Of The Mind**

Come and join in the light,

Bring the fairest boon.

Those pretty lights belonging to night,

I will show you the Empire beyond the moon.

My solace.

-

Here every star is a hope,

A flame to burn in the dark.

That luminiscent scope,

It comforts unlike the laughter of the lark.

My refuge.

-

If there is nothing more to see,

Then venture my way.

Beyond the Illyrian shore and the turmulous sea,

Over and into the crystalline bay.

My begininng.

-

Leave it all behind,

Untie the lead weights.

A friend in need is always a friend,

I would never leave you to the cruel fates.

My pledge.

-

Like the green of the grass beneath my feet,

Or the warming caress of the sun.

Like mother duck in a fret,

Or the laughter caused by a pun.

My hope.

-

The blue waves lap against the skeleton coast,

The dry sand giving way to lush forest.

This is a land to boast,

Come to seek the rest.

My love of life.

-

Sit beneath the stretching sky,

Colours of fire.

Reflect the passionate cry,

Yet none of the ire.

My dream.

-

I'll sit and wait for that time,

For now staring out the window.

Work and bide my time,

I'll leave the land of the widow.

My ambition.


	9. The Metaphor

**Remember the metaphor**** I shared with you: "A Heart of Ice"**

_- A million fragments of bloodied humanity_

_-x-_

When did the day become a war not to see your face?

When did the childish enthusiasm wane?

Last summer was, was different,

Then the laughter accompanied the sane.

-x-

Two woes that became my foes:

(To you my foreign reader)

The former I may just comprehend,

The later I can't comprehend…

…A whole in my heart; in more ways than one.

-x-

My friend of not so long ago,

You disappointed me.

You didn't trust me.

My friend; you let go.

-x-

Her loss doesn't pain me,

Terrible. Indeed, the thought is.

Then again, I was lost in another trifle.

-x-

Heavens! If I could do it all differently,

(Yes. I'd gladly walk in the rain again)

Maybe he'd care for me like I, childishly & foolishly, care for him.

Though I have tried in vice,

Though I have tried in friendship,

Though I have _tried_.

It amounts to nothing in vain.

-x-

Night fell and shrouded my day.

I even wished the candle to be out.

But their sun continues to rise and so must mine in bloodied glory.

-x-

Tear the walls down and make them see,

I am not what they painted me to be.

I achieved so much more than them both,

But it's Kalahari sand through my fingers.

-x-

How ironic; with my _best_ intentions I achieved nothing at all.


	10. A woman

**The woman of arrogance, pity & fate**

Let the few hate me,

But allow the _messoi _to love me.

I _will_ always sit & judge.

-x-

My name is an enigma,

For who could name the unknown?

Keep your sacred dogma,

I will find my own pool to drown.

-x-

I will reward silent dignity with distaste,

But willing burn in the raging flames of conviction.

Warm me & taste;

Taste the blessed elixor of affliction.

-x-

Bloodied flames encased by the sheen of ice,

My own beating paradox.

Admired for vice;

But never the passion.

In time allow me the fated concession.

-x-

Beware of my bite,

The poison that clouds your vision.

Hold your freedom tight,

For your soul has a fresh lesion.

A sign of belonging.

-x-

Tortured & marked, you are mine.

A child of eternal hunger & thirst.

-x-

A child of mine.

A child of ambition.


	11. The Ballad of Andromeda

**The Ballad of Andromeda**

Two stars lit the velvet night,

Each of which shone like thee.

Twice I saw the burning might,

Thrice I longed for thee.

If life is all chance,

Then pass the die for Minerva has blessed me.

If cupid's arrow be the lance,

Then tell the lie for an Angel kissed me.

Thou cursed a starved fool,

I could let you love no other.

Marked with Heavens tool,

I could never find another.


	12. TwoHundred Miles Due North

**Two-Hundred Miles Due North**

_The rain falls gently against the lead pane of a large window. The inside of the glass window is frosted__ hiding the view to be seen outside; it is a perfect illustration of the cold desolation to be felt in her heart. A woman sits at the heavy wooden desk before the window. The murky light falls across the polished wood. From here she blindly follows the small rivets of rain-water that fall outside. There is not another sound to be heard throughout the large room that is lined with aged books. Once orderly, it now lies in ruins with items thrown violently across the lush carpet; a perfect illustration of her earlier anger at the fates. Defeated and exhausted, she sits in her simple muslin and allows the broken thoughts to settle…_

_I _have waited,

Waited soo very long.

My iron heart weighted,

Weighted beneath the cerulean depths.

The moment of joy never seems to last as long.

_You_ come to me,

And my entire world is a better place.

My gifts of Roses & Thyme.

The moment of sweetness to hold us now.

_We_ are parted,

Through nothing, but distance.

My choices did not barter on love.

The moments was have are whispers of time.

_They_ fall down.

My tears of unbidden sorrow,

And no matter how numerous,

The ache remains.


	13. The Island of Minos

**The Island of Minos**

Soon it shall be dark,

Your eyes blinded of sight.

Hours still to the lark,

The air soo present and tight.

.-.

Call out to me,

Feel the tremor of the night.

Feel your way to me,

Make your sight right.

.-.

Let there be no other,

Though they call to tease.

Remember me brother,

I hold your lies.

.-.

Talk with the day,

But fear the night.

I hold it all, so cry,

Feel the poison in my bite.

.-.

I am no hidden dream,

You sold your soul.

Enjoyed the dream,

Now serve the ghoul.


	14. Dominos

Dominos

So cheerfully black & white,

So logical in their numerical simplicity.

How is it not possible that I can never myself in the same light?

Why must I live in complexity?

.

What I wouldn't give to be so free, yet so part of a whole.

Each piece so marked, yet each piece a common soldier.

What a sorry state I must be to wish myself a piece of ebony & ivory.

.

As each piece plays his part, I suppose he laughs at his worldly counterpart.

The life I lead can claim no art,

My world revolves with little care for the heart.

.

Little moments give the time to worry,

I stare endlessly as the little pieces glare up from the wooden board.

Easy for them to judge appearing so numbly merry,

All they so is watch me string myself up with cord.

.

They don't need to laugh aloud for me to know,

I may be stupid, but not so blind.

A silly mistake & watch the problems grow,

For fate is always ever so kind.

She offers plenty, but binds at least one hand.

.

So here I am,

Sitting alone & watching the problems grow.

My dominos help even less than they taunt,

And still the dawn approaches. Indeed.


End file.
